October 11, 2022
I just turned 37 years old and I don’t know what my purpose is.
This hasn’t always been the case – quite the opposite. My wife and I have accomplished a lot for ourselves over the course of the past 12 years, from traveling, to learning, to buying a house and starting a family.
Our last big win was buying a house, but it’s been about 2 years since and I haven’t felt compelled in a major way to pursue a direction since. I’ve thought I had a direction many times, but nothing has panned out or held my attention enough.
It’s good to be afraid and uncomfortable. Some would argue it’s impossible to get anywhere in life without being on edge. But for some reason this time around is different.
I really want to start writing, but I’ve literally written this sentence on this website dozens of times: I always start writing, get embarrassed, then delete everything I’ve ever written.
I’m going to challenge myself to say ‘fuck it’ and move on for once. Let everything live, and consider embarrassments and failures a learning opportunity.
I’ve always felt that I have many major things that I want to do with myself, and that all of my goals will intertwine and enhance the other. I’ve wanted to create art, and use the art I create to start a blog or YouTube channel. For the same reason I want to start writing – half to get thoughts out of my head and half so that for some reason someone somewhere might read my words and either relate and not feel so alone, or even learn from my mistakes.
I also want to use my creativity to build something, maybe a restaurant, a clothing brand, giant art installations, something where I can not only be excited about the finished product, but uses as many of my talents as possible.
While the last couple of years have been happy and fulfilling ones, and I worry that I haven’t found a strong sense of purpose through a goal, I know that it hasn’t been time wasted. I know that everything I do is leading to the next thing, and rather than be frustrated about a seeming lack of purpose, I’m on my way to discovering it.
I started listening to The Way of the Superior Man again – it’s free on YouTube. I remember it being slightly misogynistic, but it’s not really if you understand the language the author is using, and it’s full of tough points about life.
The main thing that I’ve learned in my years, and that the book reinforces, is that you need to take full responsibility and ownership of your life. This is not at all an abstract idea, as I once thought it was, and it’s probably the most challenging thing that I’ll ever have to accept.
All of my problems, shortcomings, failures, etc., are my fault and nobody else’s. Anything that is wrong with my life isn’t bad luck or some cosmic misfortune, but something I have to take responsibility for and act upon.
All of this being said, I know that finding my purpose won’t be something that magically pops into my brain. It will be a result of the steps I take toward my own self discovery. I’ll continue working harder until I find the next thing that I want to do with my life.
I’m also eternally grateful for the people in my life that support me, most of all my beautiful, quirky, talented, and loving wife Diana.
If you feel that you’re struggling at all, or need to vent, feel free to shoot me an email, or even leave a phone message.
Let’s all wish each other luck in our journeys and succeed together.